A Day for Everything
Every day, someone in the United States is celebrating something. There’s Avocado Day, Talk Like a Pirate Day, Bowling Day, Static Electricity Day, Puzzle Day, Sisters Day, Play Your Ukulele Day, Bunsen Burner Day, and more than a thousand others. [1] Most of these days are silly, which is fine as far as it goes, but every once in a while someone comes up with something intriguing. Take Everything You Think Is Wrong Day, which falls on March 15, or Everything You Do Is Right Day, on the 16th. What in the world are they about?
After some consideration, I realized that both of them could hold a deeper meaning. For instance, it can be salutary to remember that just because we think something, or have an opinion about it, that doesn’t make us right. If we’re willing to consider that everything we think is wrong, then at least we can admit when we’ve made a mistake. That’s how we learn. It’s also how we make amends, if amends are due. Humility goes a long way toward improving relationships. As the saying goes, would you rather be right or be happy?
On the other hand, everything we do is right. Some authors figure this means that, if we believe in ourselves, then whatever we try will work it. After thinking wrong the day before, we get to feel confident. But if we do mess up on Everything We Do Is Right Day, we can remind ourselves that on some level that wrongness must be right, or it wouldn’t have happened on this holiday, so maybe whatever we did isn’t so terrible, after all. We don’t have to be perfect. We can give ourselves some grace.
The Agreements We Make About Life
It also occurred to me that these holidays correlated well with don Miguel Ruiz’s four agreements. Ruiz explains that we make numerous agreements with the world. As children, we accept what our elders tell us about ourselves and those around us. If they tell us we’re worthless, we agree to believe that. On the other hand, if they tell us we’re gifted, we agree to believe that, instead.
Neither of these stories is true, however. We do foolish things at times, while at other times, we amaze people with our skill. That doesn’t make us one way or the other. We are complex. Yet when we agree that we are strong, faithful, cheerful, hopeless, ugly, responsible, annoying, or whatever it is we’ve been told, we take on those attributes as roles. We learn to deny our weakness or doubt, our sadness or resilience. Believing we’re ugly, we don’t notice our beauty. If we agree to be responsible, we become perfectionists. If we accept that we always annoy, we either lose our voice or use that voice to goad.
Out of such agreements arise shame and shamelessness, timidity and abuse, victimization and ruthlessness. We sabotage ourselves or sabotage others; we accept bullying or become the bully. Because of our agreements, we judge others, loathe ourselves, cling to unjustifiable beliefs, lose ourselves in addictions, harm our bodies to gain approval.
Our agreements are thoughts, and most of them are wrong. Even so, they cause a great deal of suffering.
Breaking Free
To break free of these unhealthy agreements, Ruiz suggests we make different ones, four of them, to be specific. They are: be impeccable with your word, don’t take anything personally, don’t make assumptions, and always do your best.
Let’s look at the first one. When Ruiz invites us to be “impeccable” with our “word,” he is doing more than telling us to be honest. It’s not enough to say what we think is true, not enough for the words we speak to correspond with our inner understanding. Ruiz explains that our “word” is what gives us the power to create our reality. Our thoughts, our communication, all that we imagine and build is our “word.” If we use it thoughtlessly, we can do great damage. That’s what tyrants and abusers do. They manipulate and control with their word. The rest of us agree to let them do this by agreeing to their version of reality.
We can use our word, however, to break the spell of our unhealthy agreements. That’s where Ruiz’s use of the word “impeccable” comes in. Impeccable, he tells us, means to be “without sin.” [2] That may bring up images of perfection or displeasing God, but that’s not what Ruiz means.
Impeccability
For him, “A sin is anything that you do which goes against yourself.” [3] That means it is sinful to judge, shame, or blame ourselves. It is also sinful to judge, shame, or blame others. To be impeccable means to accept responsibility for what we’ve done with good humor, mercy, generosity, kindness, integrity, accountability. Being impeccable means we seek truth. When we can see ourselves as we really are, believing in our goodness, accepting our imperfection, then we will be able to see others that way, as well. We will be able to validate their wholeness. In this way, we learn to love.
If we remember that everything we think is wrong, or at least that it could be, we make it possible to question the unhealthy agreements we have made about ourselves and the world. When we misuse our words, when we “sin,” we do so because we have allowed our thoughts to generate hatred within our hearts.
On the other hand, if we understand how insidious our thoughts can be, we will begin to notice them and recognize their folly. Then we have the opportunity to use our word impeccably. We can seek truth, speak kindly, encourage compassion, and invite people to honor their beauty.
We may fear that self-love feeds selfish, privileged, narcissistic behavior. Indeed, sometimes when children are told that they can do nothing wrong, that they are great beyond measure, they grow into tyrants, especially if they were also taught that consequences do not apply to them. But such parenting does not arise out of love. It arises out of the parents’ own loneliness and insecurity.
If we are impeccable with our word, then we realize the truth: we are sacred beyond measure, and we will recognize the sacred in others, as well.
Assumptions About Blame and Praise
Another of Ruiz’s agreements that calls us to question our thoughts is to make no assumptions. In the chapter about being impeccable with our word, he was talking about the agreements we make about ourselves. Instead of believing the labels and roles we learned as children, we come to understand that we are complex and blessed beings. In his chapter about assumptions, he is talking about who we think others are.
When someone does or says something to us, we interpret her words or actions according to our beliefs about people and the world. As Ruiz points out, we make assumptions about everything we see. We know there are right ways to act and wrong ones. When people do something wrong, we know there’s no excuse. If our friend was late to meet us at the restaurant, or someone cut us off in traffic, or our spouse snapped at us, we know it’s because they’re insensitive or ignorant. We’re that smart. So we also know we’re justified at getting mad at them. After all, they should have known better than to hurt us that way.
But what if someone does something nice for us? What if they smile, or give us a gift, or compliment our hair? We make all kinds of assumptions about that, too. Maybe we think we deserve the praise; maybe we don’t. If we don’t trust them, we might think they’re trying to manipulate us, or maybe we think they have a crush on us.
Regardless of whether we feel attacked or appreciated, if we make assumptions about the situation, we often do things that make it worse. Then, in response, others make assumptions of their own. They feel hurt, offended, embarrassed, bitter. By acting out of our assumptions, we weave a web of suffering.
Assumptions that Impede Communication
If we believe our assumptions, we will not ask questions. We will not seek to understand. Communication becomes impossible. We might be talking at someone, and they might be talking at us, but we aren’t communicating.
Another problem with assumptions and communication is that we sometimes assume people know what we’re thinking. Therefore, we don’t give enough information.
For instance, we might believe our family members should know what we need. If so, we figure we shouldn’t have to tell them. Since we assume they should know, if they don’t do what we expect, we also assume they’re selfish or stupid or don’t love us.
Alternately, we might assume that our subtle looks or gestures communicate everything we want to say. Unfortunately, that’s rarely true. Spouses can go a long time assuming they understand one another when they don’t. Anger and resentment often result.
Our anger is related to the assumptions we make about what should and should not happen, about the rightness and wrongness of things. For example, if we assume that any sane person would clean or cook or run errands the same way we do, we won’t bother being explicit in our instructions. We assume all will go as we expect. When it doesn’t, we get angry or disappointed. Being clear about our expectations doesn’t guarantee we’ll get what we want, but if we stop making assumptions about what should or should not occur, we won’t get so hurt or angry.
Letting Go of Assumptions
How do we stop making assumptions? We remember that everything we think is wrong. That allows us to ask ourselves some questions: What assumptions have we made? Do we think we know what’s going on in someone else’s head? Do we figure our friends know everything we know, causing us to communicate incompletely?
In reality, unless we check out our assumptions, we don’t know why others do what they do or how much they understand. Even then, we can’t be certain, because people do lie, whether on purpose or because they don’t know their own minds, but if we leave our assumptions unexamined, we have no hope of discovering the truth.
So check things out if you can, and give them up if you can’t. We don’t have a clue why that man cut us off in traffic. No, really, we don’t. We can tell ourselves a story about what a jerk he is, and we can believe it, and we can let it make us angry. That might feel good, but anger makes us sick, in heart and in body. Then, we carry that anger with us into our friendships, jobs, families. Rage like that will tear us apart.
On Everything We Think Is Wrong Day, we ought to look at the assumptions we’ve made. We might find that most of them are incorrect.
Taking Nothing Personally
One reason we make so many assumptions is because we think the world revolves around us. We center ourselves in every interaction. This is a normal development stage for children and adolescents, but by the time we grow up, we ought to have gained enough maturity to realize that it’s not all about us.
Unfortunately, even if we understand that intellectually, it’s hard to realize it in our gut. At times, we forget the truth that we’re not the only one who matters, so we center ourselves in the story unfolding around us. When we do this, we’re bound to take things personally.
Remember that guy who cut you off in traffic? He probably wasn’t thinking about you at all. You were not the center of his world at that moment.
But let’s say it was about you. Maybe he recognized you sitting innocently in your car, and he remembered a time you offended him. He could have rehearsed that story so much in his head that he feels bitter and resentful and wants revenge. So the moment he sees you, he decides to take advantage of this great opportunity and cut you off in traffic.
That still isn’t about you. It’s about his not-very-effective attempt to deal with his resentment. His attempt to hurt you is about the fantasy he created in his head, the story he told about his life, and, in this case, about your place in his life. Whatever you did or didn’t do to him, he took it personally, and see what happened as a result? He suffered, maybe for months or more, because he believed his story about reality. Then he tried to make you suffer back. You don’t have to suffer, though, because you don’t have to take his actions personally.
Compliments Aren’t About Us, Either
We don’t have to take compliments personally, either. As we saw when we looked at the folly of making assumptions, people praise us because they need something. They want to be liked or accepted; they want to do something nice for us by making us feel good.
But why should we let what someone else says about us make us feel one way or another? After all, just because we receive a compliment doesn’t mean it’s true. Nor does it mean it’s false. We might have done something smart or funny or graceful, and it feels good to be recognized, but even if true, our supporter’s words are not about us, and we don’t need his approval to like ourselves.
Indeed, that’s one of the false agreements we make, that we will believe what others tell us about who we are. If they tell us we’re unworthy, we’ll believe them; if they tell us we’re great, we’ll believe that, too. Therefore, most of us seek out people who give us compliments, because that’s what we want to hear.
If we stop taking things personally, though, not only will we stop taking on the anger and hatred other people send our way, but we will no longer need praise to be happy. Then we can stop spinning stories in our heads about slights and regrets. We won’t judge our friends, families, coworkers. We will realize that everything we think is wrong and look harder, deeper. Perhaps then, instead of seeing an illusion created out of our fears and desires, we will see what is truly in front of us. Then, even if someone forgets herself and is rude or thoughtless, we will not take it personally, and we will not be hurt.
Everything We Do Is Right
Of course, sometimes we do get hurt. It might not be personal when someone hits us or treats us unfairly or abuses us, but that doesn’t mean we have to let ourselves get injured a second time. It just means it’s not about us. We don’t need to feel responsible, nor do we need to get angry. Instead of getting lost in our feelings, we can recognize our emotions, let them move through us, set boundaries so we won’t get hurt again, and get on with our life.
That’s because, as we learn on March 16, everything we do is right. Of course, if that’s true, then everything everyone else does is right, too. So let’s stop judging them. Maybe they’re acting out of childish anger, but that’s not our worry. We don’t have to know what drove someone to hit us or yell at us or betray our secret. Whatever they did, they did right. So stop taking it personally.
We might not feel like it was right, however. After all, we can get hurt. Not taking things personally can keep us from getting lost in anger or resentment, but it doesn’t mean we won’t have any feelings. We might get sad or scared or betrayed or lonely. Maybe we’ll want comfort or need to grieve. That’s all fine. Feel your feelings. Scream, cry, moan. Everything you do is right, remember?
But know, at the same time, that the thoughts you tell yourself about why you feel what you feel are probably wrong. Let go of the story. Live in the moment. When we stop pretending we know the truth about everything, when we stop judging and shaming those around us, we might actually find some peace.
Or Is Everything We Do Wrong?
Perhaps this not taking things personally stuff is more about how everything we do is wrong. After all, the person cutting us off in traffic or abusing us is acting out of unskillful needs and thoughts, and their actions hurt themselves and those around them. Shouldn’t we denounce them?
On a spiritual level, perhaps not. Everything we do is right because whatever happens, it provides the lessons we need. Or maybe it’s right because, while pain does exist, we only suffer because we assign meaning to our pain. On a cosmic scale, our pain matters little. We can enjoy life if we but live in the moment, so whatever happens, it is right.
Yet on a human, real-world level, injustice and atrocities matter. We need to hold people accountable, including ourselves. It’s important to protect the vulnerable. Prisons exist for a reason, because not everyone should be free to wreak havoc.
Even so, we don’t always know where to draw the line between innocent mistakes and insufferable acts. As with a bell curve, the ends might be clear, but the middle is muddy.
If we manage to figure that out, however, we still have to decide how to respond. When we make rules and laws, what do we do to those who break them? What if they break them a little bit, but not a lot? How do we enforce our laws equitably? Justice is complicated, and our human attempts at ensuring it often fail. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try, but it does mean we should be humble in our efforts.
But maybe none of that would matter, maybe everything would be as it should be, if we just did what Ruiz suggests, if we always did our best.
Always Do Our Best
Doing our best does not mean we always get it right. It doesn’t mean we need to be perfect. If we are tired or nervous, we won’t do as well as when we’re rested and calm, but we can still do the best we know how at that moment. If we make a mistake, we can own that, but if we have done our best, we need not feel ashamed. As Ruiz says, “[I]f you always do your best there is no way you can judge yourself.” [4]
Still, some days our best will be better than others. Yet, when we do our best, day after day, we will be transformed. We will connect with the sacred flow of life, find our center and our truth. In this way, we will stop taking things personally, stop making assumptions, and become impeccable in all we say and all we manifest. We will live in joy and create joy. Then, everything we do will indeed be right.
Our birthright is happiness, love, freedom. Ruiz cautions, “Don’t resist life passing through you, because that is God passing through you.” [5] If we live according to these new agreements, we will feel life’s sacredness within us. Then we will recognize our “wrong” thoughts, and all that we do shall be right.
These holidays were doubtless created to provide a little fun. We often take ourselves too seriously. So don’t trust your thoughts and don’t worry about being perfect. Go bowling, buy a sappy greeting card for your sister, pet your cat, play some silly games. Life is short, and we don’t always need to be productive or proper. But whatever you do, do your best.
In faith and fondness,
Barbara
Credits
- See, for example, http://www.holidays-and-observances.com/march-15.html#:~:text=National%20Napping%20Day%20-%20March%2015,National%20Shoe%20The%20World%20Day.
- Ruiz, Miguel, The Four Agreements, San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen Publishing, 1997, 31.
- Ibid 31.
- Ibid 77.
- Ibid 84.
Copyright © 2021 Barbara E. Stevens All Rights Reserved
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