We all get bored at one time or another. It's nothing to be ashamed of, nor does it mean we're lazy or dull. Learn to tolerate boredom. Manage the emotions that arise when we're bored. Be interested in your experience, observe the emotions, then let them go. As one experience arises and fades away, another will take its place, life will go on, and you might find you don't need to bungee jump or smoke pot or fly to the moon to escape boredom. Just being alive will be enough.
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Addiction, Surrender, and the Holy
Surrendering to the Wrong Thing Twelve-step groups talk about surrender. Few of us, perhaps none of us, get through life without surrendering to something, but not all surrenderings are created equal. Some lead to freedom and restoration; others lead to suffering and eventual annihilation. During my late adolescence, I saw some of the ugliness that comes when we surrender to the wrong things. On my way to the Midwest, I ended up riding around with a young man who sold large quantities of drugs to local dealers. Some of them lived in homes where the lawns were trimmed and the siding newly painted, but most squatted in boarded-up apartment buildings,…
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Spiritual Maturity and the Hero’s Journey
Mathematics and Spiritual Maturity From the moment we are born, we start growing, changing, and maturing. In fact, to mature is one of the goals of a living creature. If we humans are fortunate, we eventually grow into adults. Perhaps we’re wise; perhaps foolish. Most likely, we’re a bit of both. Yet to gain more than a physical maturity, become spiritually mature, we must do more than just live. We must travel into the dark and secret places of our soul. We must take the hero’s journey. Generally, we don’t start this journey on purpose. Even through adolescence, some of us ignore the call to explore and question. Only when…
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Holding Ourselves Accountable and the Importance of Feelings
Managing Our Feelings The details are fuzzy. I think we were at some kind of party, maybe a birthday for one of my son’s friends. We mothers were hanging out with the kids, chatting, watching them play. Near me stood a woman I didn’t know well. Her boy was perhaps seven years old. I have no memory of what the child did or said. Probably, I hadn’t noticed. Whatever it was, it triggered in his mother an impressive outrage. Grabbing her son by the arm, she turned to me and said, “We have to leave. He’s upset me so much, I’m just too angry to enjoy myself any longer.” Her…
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Finding Balance: A Treatise on the Power of Music
On Balance and Its Relationship to Acceptance and Anger Before we knew we would cancel this Sunday’s sharing circle, we chose a theme of balance. In particular, we wondered how to balance our need for peace of mind, found generally by accepting that which exists, with our need to change and grow and resist, which requires discontentment, even anger. We’ll revisit the topic in September, exploring how acceptance and anger play out in our personal and political lives. Today, we will focus on the concept of balance. A meaningful life requires balance. When we relentlessly pursue pleasure, we end up miserable, damaging relationships, losing jobs, and disconnecting from ourselves. On…
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Letting Go of Obsessive Goals
As Addiction Takes Hold of Us This world provides ample opportunity for us to let go. In last month’s column on this topic, I discussed many types of letting go. This month I consider what it means to hold our dreams and goals lightly. This is not always easy. Sometimes our dreams and goals become addictive. All mammals, humans included, have evolved to take pleasure in the many substances and activities we need to survive, such as water, sweets, fat, sex, learning, and caring relationships. When we feel pleasure from a behavior, we learn to repeat it. When we get hungry or thirsty or lonely, we seek out that which…
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Moments of Clarity
Our Moments of Clarity The phrase moment of clarity is common in twelve-step circles. Such a moment is when we clearly see the wreckage of our lives, and we make a decision to get clean and sober. Over the years, I’ve heard a number of moment of clarity stories. One evening, for instance, when a woman was drunk, she noticed her child looking at her with sadness, disbelief, even disgust. Suddenly she realized she wasn’t just hurting herself, she was also hurting this incredibly precious human being. Steeped in shame and humiliation, she resolved she would change. In the private space of her own heart and to whatever god she…
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Wisdom to Know the Difference
Wisdom and Peace We were at the prison, leading the Recovery Church circle, when the question came up, “What do you want in life?” The young man to my right had shown himself to be inquisitive, seeking information and knowledge, asking questions, eager for education, appreciating debate. I wondered aloud if he wanted wisdom. “No,” he said, with a laugh. “I’m wise enough.” But of course. Wisdom is too often hard won. He had been through a violent childhood, betrayals and loneliness, a chronic illness, and years of incarceration. Through it all, he had come to understand much about himself, the world, and that which sustains us and tears us apart.…
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Trying Again and Again to Change
The Tragedy of Addiction When you’re around drug addicts, whether because your family members struggle with addiction, you’re an addict yourself, or you work with addicts professionally, you will eventually see people die from their addiction. Young people mostly die from accidents, such as car crashes, overdoses, or violence. A heroin addict still using in her fifties or sixties generally succumbs to years of neglect, infections, and the effects of homelessness. Drugs, especially substances like meth or alcohol, damage our brains, making rational thought difficult. It’s hard enough for someone to admit he needs to stop drinking when his mind still functions reasonably well. Years of alcohol abuse can damage a…
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Changing What We Can
God Grant Me This is the second installment of our exploration of Reinhold Niebuhr’s “Serenity Prayer,” part of which is recited in many twelve-step groups: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Today we will explore the courage to change. Before we can change things, whether they exist within us or in the world around us, we must be brave enough to acknowledge the problem. Only then can we something about it. Yet is it so hard to accept that change is necessary? As I glance at the morning newspaper and…