Light that Knows No Boundaries
Throughout the night, my neighbors’ lights blare from their house, spilling into backyards, trespassing into bedrooms, streaming into space. Light respects no boundaries. I can curse and cajole to my heart’s content, yet nothing will turn the glare aside except a wall or a shield. Even eyelids are not enough to protect us from the artificial glow that blights the world. So much brighter than any flame or distant star, the glare we have created confuses birds, leads turtles astray, and disrupts the hormones of every mammal, including ourselves.
None of this matters when our fear of demons and criminals is used against us to market the idea that light proffers safety. Indeed, studies show that light—or the lack thereof—has no bearing on a community’s level of crime. In fact, bright lighting makes it hard for our eyes to adapt to the shadows, and much of our modern lamps create such a glare problem that we become blinded, so it actually makes us less safe rather than more. Additionally, criminals need light to commit their crimes. Often, they appreciate a well-lit porch to help them break into a darkened home, knowing that neighbors are likely to be asleep themselves and thus notice nothing. [1]
Yet reason has little to do with our lighting choices. We have become so blinded by our longing for safety, that we will accept harm to our minds and bodies, to the lives of plants and animals, if it makes us feel secure. We humans fear darkness, fear the sins and temptations and wild creatures that live and breathe at night. If we could rid ourselves of dark, we would.
Adapting to Chaos
Of course, if we could travel directly from the 1800s to this modern world, we would wince at the strident cacophony around us and the blinding glow that struck our eyes. Then we might tear down the electric poles and smash lanterns. Since this encroachment upon our peace has occurred over centuries, we’re content.
This is not unlike the skillful predation of a controlling man. First comes the grooming stage, when all is gentle and nice, as when the flickering gas lamps were introduced. Then there are the little insults, the chastising word, a moment of confusion when the spouse is blamed for something she did not do, a friend is denied access, a bank account closed. On the streets, as we adapt to the glimmer of gas, we long for stronger lighting. Then that is no longer enough. One day, we may eradicate night entirely. That which once assaulted us now feels necessary.
The correlation between light and love is not perfect, yet just as we will not willingly give up the glare we’ve grown used to, a battered spouse may find it difficult to leave a cruel relationship. The level of light we have brought into our lives is bad for us, yet we agitate and demonstrate when it is taken away, imagining that without it, we are unsafe. So it is with intimate partner violence. We long for what hurts us, not because we like the pain, but because we have become so used to it, we can’t imagine anything else. Our boundaries have been fully breached.
Resisting or Accepting Boundaries
It is not the light itself that is like the cruel lover, however, any more than it is language or hands themselves who do harm. These are but tools. It’s a blessing that starlight can reach us and hands can caress. The problem comes because we do not respect boundaries.
Generally, we respond to boundaries in one of two ways. Either we resist them, or we accept them as our due. We can make this clear if we look at the extremes of these poles.
Some of us, for instance, believe we are invincible to harm. Therefore, we will tolerate no boundaries. We will break even a limit that is meant to keep us safe. We go where we want, we eat what we like, we drive as fast as we desire, and we pretend we will never suffer consequences. Often, we cling to this illusion until tragedy shatters it.
When the crash comes, though, we’re not the only ones who suffer. We hurt those around us, too. Whether we literally smash our car into them or figuratively break their hearts, we make them suffer. In our foolishness, we violate them.
Beneath such disdain for boundaries may lie a belief in our own entitlement. We think it’s okay to take what we want because we deserve and others don’t. Trapped in our lust for things, we don’t realize other people are real. We see these humans, and the other creatures of the Earth, as objects designed for our use. Why respect their boundaries when the beings they are meant to protect are not respectable and do not, in our minds, deserve protection?
Objectifying Others
To make this possible, those whom we objectify must accept that objectification. In other words, before we can be treated like things more than people, we must agree to our less-than-human status. All of us will do this, though, if we are taught to. When we are told in words and deeds that we deserve neither the power to determine our own fate, nor the freedom to escape harm, that message will eventually find its way to our hearts and minds. If we live long enough with abuse, whether as a child or an adult, we will start believing in our own unworthiness. We will accept that we do not own our bodies or our thoughts, and we will not dare to set limits on the use that others make of us. Those who prey on the weak and the vulnerable will be happy to take advantage of our fear.
This might not seem relevant to your life. Indeed, such an extreme example is, thankfully, not common. Most of us are considerate of others to a greater or lesser degree, and we tend to respect ourselves. That is wonderful. Yet all of us have abused our power and allowed others to manipulate us to some extent.
Violating the Earth
Probably most of us turn on our lights with little thought for our neighbors or the planet, yet light, by its very nature, breaches boundaries. Yet how many of us refuse the sense of security a porch light brings because we want to help a moth live or a bird find its way home or our neighbor to sleep well at night? How many of us turn off our electronic devices even to improve our own lives?
Plastic pollution, too, is a problem. It has reached the Antarctic. Our bodies are filled with it. Chemicals in our water and our air cause asthma, cancer, liver disease, heart disease, diseases upon diseases. This is no secret. Still, we don’t try to set limits on how much plastic we produce or where the waste ends up. In fact, those who make money off the products that pollute do their best to keep us buying, even though it means their downfall as much as our own.
The abusive partner tries to control her spouse, even though she loses part of her own soul in the process. It’s so hard to make changes when the harm lies in the future and the benefit accrues right now.
Besides, we like convenience. It takes effort to change our ways, money to buy alternative products, research to figure out how to step on the earth with the smallest footprint. No wonder we hold onto that which is familiar, even if it’s hurting us. To do different is too hard.
So, as always, we rationalize our choices.
Denying Our Responsibility
“Everyone does it,” we might say, though not everyone does, and though one person’s wrong doesn’t make our wrong right. Alternately, we might say, “I’m too busy,” or “I deserve a treat,” or “They don’t matter,” whoever “they” are and whatever “they” suffer. Maybe we blame the end times, confident it’s all part of God’s plan. Whatever it is, we seek some excuse so we can feel good about ourselves even though we do nothing to make things better.
But is this not a form of boundary setting? After all, we can’t solve every problem. What can we do against corporate greed or individual overreach? If we can tell businesses they can’t dump chemicals in our stream, then might we not be able to tell householders they can’t burn too many lights or drivers that they must use electric cars? If a battered woman won’t help herself, why should we give her a hand? We have enough troubles of our own. We should mind our own business.
Yet if it is not our business to protect the world on which we live and the creatures with whom we share it, whose business is it? The natural world, and the artificial one we have created out of it, does not understand the meaning of limits. Therefore, if we are to erect any meaningful boundaries, we must build them around ourselves.
Few of us, however, understand what boundaries are nor how to maintain them. At least, we don’t understand about healthy ones.
Learning to Deny Our Feelings
We first learn about boundaries in childhood. For instance, when our parents cajole us to submit to a kiss from a scratchy-faced grandfather we hardly know, we learn that they do not respect our boundaries. We don’t get to decide who touches us and who does not. This example may seem petty, but such insults build up. There’s this kiss. Then other “nos” are ignored, other limits denied. When we argue or fight back, we get chastised. Then, when abuse becomes worse, when a child is molested, for instance, he’s told it’s his fault. In this way, we learn that the powerful have the right to beat us, and we can do nothing about it. We learn that our body is not our own.
Eventually, we give up. We stop trying to set limits. We stop trying to maintain the integrity of our body and our spirit.
Similarly, others of us learn that we need not respect the boundaries of others. We learn, for instance, that it’s okay to abuse women, children, people of color, those with disabilities, anyone we decide we don’t like. If we violate the boundaries of these unimportant creatures, it’s okay. Since they have no value, they deserve no consideration. For some, our planet is just one more thing to abuse.
Not every child learns these things, but we all learn something that makes us more or less prone to being harmed or to doing harm. These first lessons in boundary-setting affect us throughout our lives.
Managing Our Emotions
But some of us are fortunate enough to learn healthy boundaries. The first step in setting boundaries that keep us, and others, safe, is to honor our feelings. If we’re uncomfortable kissing Grandpa, how do we feel about hugging him? If we are crying, we are held. When we’re hungry, we’re fed. When strong emotions arise in us, our guardians will help us name the feeling, express the feeling safely, work through that feeling so we can let it go. The better we get at recognizing what we feel, the easier it will be to soothe ourselves when we are unhappy.
In a healthy family, a child learns to control his emotions by being cared for. On the face of it, it’s pretty easy. The only way infants can express their needs is by fussing or babbling or screaming, so why would we not respond? If we can read our child accurately, the child will learn to read herself.
This is important in the realm of boundaries, because before we can set healthy boundaries, we must know how we feel. Since many adults in America can’t access their own feelings, how are they going to teach their children? The problem gets passed down through the generations. That’s why it’s important for us to do our own internal emotional work, to recognize our feelings, to re-parent the infant inside us who was not heard.
Even then, we may not be done. Once we know how we feel, we have to learn to express our emotions in ways that take care of our needs without infringing on the needs, and the rights, of others.
Hurting Ourselves by Hurting Others
None of us get this right all the time. Some err on the side of taking care of the world; others on the side of asserting our rights. Hopefully, we give and take. The important thing is to discover that, though our needs matter, they aren’t the only ones. Our neighbors are human, too, and the creatures we share this planet with have feelings, as well. All their lives are inextricably bound with ours. Whatever befalls them, befalls us, too.
For this is the other side of boundaries: they are more permeable than we realize.
When our light flows into the houses of our neighbors, it affects their sleep and changes their hormones along with our own. If birds die out because they can’t find their nesting places in this bright world we’ve built, we will get sick from mosquitoes, and insects will ravage our crops.
This is simplistic, but the basic tenet holds. Before we disrupted it, the earth’s ecosystem ran smoothly. One population or another might overwhelm the system for a while, and not all species survive, regardless of our efforts, but before we introduced agriculture, then industry, and now technology, into this place, it worked pretty well. By ignoring boundaries, by refusing to set limits on our behavior, we have disrupted that. To make the world right again, if such a thing is possible, will require that we set boundaries on our own behavior. We don’t like to do that.
Daring to Demand Equality
Indeed, that is part of what is driving the political rift we see around the world today. Those who once assumed power and privilege are being questioned. Now, those who once accepted that they had no rights are demanding that rights be given to them. The untouchables around the world are refusing to be so labeled. Now, the ones who abused them are fighting back. They want the untouchables, the middle class, the under-castes, in their places. They want those old boundaries back.
Of course, they’re being subtle about it. They no longer label some fountains “colored,” for instance. Still, we continue to draw boundaries according to color lines, gender lines, sexual-orientation lines, global warming lines. We believe some people deserve the misery they experience. If we think we are a member of a class or caste who deserves deference, then we get mad when our underlings refuse to give it to us.
For as long as we have been human, some people have demanded the right to control others. Women, children, and slaves have, at one time or another, in one place or another, been unable to set boundaries over their bodies. If some lord and master wanted to use or abuse them, he could, and no one would stop him. This same man had the right to foul waters and cut down forests for his own use, and no one had the right to tell him “no.”
Rape, lynchings, mass murder, torture are about control. They remind us that, if we are not of the ruling class, when we try to set boundaries, when we demand the right to say “no,” we risk being punished.
Destroying Scapegoats; Destroying Ourselves
This does not mean that every white person, or every white man, violates boundaries. On the other hand, when we grow up thinking we are better than others, that only our comfort matters, then it’s easy to violate other people’s boundaries. If we grew up on the privileged side of abuse, if we were perpetrator more than victim, we may find it hard to understand why someone would dare to question us.
To one degree or another, though, we have all been both perpetrator and victim. Either way, we learn to deny our feelings. Obviously, the victim feels pain. Yet so does the one who abuses her. Do you think we can violate another without harming our souls? Maybe we don’t notice our anxiety when we make fun of someone, hit them, deny their humanhood, but our hearts hurt when others hurt.
We come into this life with some measure of softness, kindness, gentleness. That softness can be nurtured, or it can be despised. We can applaud our compassionate feelings, or deny them. When we learn to hate that emotional, gentle part of ourselves, we learn to hate that part in others, too. Then we don’t mind destroying softness when we see it. We learn to laugh in the face of another’s suffering.
This does not come without cost, however. When we grow up learning to despise our softness, we deny our feelings, too. Eventually, our hearts will shrivel with the pain. Then it becomes a simple thing to violate those we have learned to hate.
Boundaries as Love
When we grow up despising our softness, our soul becomes empty, lonely, lost. In an effort to fill our emptiness, to sate our loneliness, to find solid ground on which to stand, we reach out for whatever we can grasp. Maybe it will be riches, or status, or toys. We might buy up islands, people, animals, try to control our corner of the world. Yet no matter how important we become, no matter how many countries we rule, such success will never fill that empty place in our hearts.
When we grow up despising our softness, we grow up without love. Then we spend the rest of our lives searching for that love in the wrong places. Instead of seeking relationships, we seek playthings; instead of seeking God, we seek gold.
If we do not know love, we will never respect the boundaries of others. We won’t even respect our own boundaries. Indeed, respecting boundaries is one way we show love. Whenever we allow another to say “no,” to choose life, to control her own body, whenever we restrain ourselves and our waste, we show love.
The light, the pollutants we create, have no mind of their own, no way to limit themselves. If boundaries must be set, we must do it. We must limit our own excesses. To do so, we need to examine our hearts, discover what we feel, learn to care about each other. Even if we did not grow up being loved, we can open ourselves to the love that is all around us. That’s important, for only if we know love, and learn to give it, will we set the boundaries that will save our souls and protect our world.
In faith and fondness,
Barbara
Credits
- See Bogard, Paul, The End of Night: Searching for Natural Darkness in an Age of Artificial Light, New York: Little, Brown, & Co., 2013, Chapter 3, “Light that Blinds, Fear that Enlightens.”
Copyright © 2021 Barbara E. Stevens. All Rights Reserved.
Photo by Nick Tiemeyer on Unsplash
No Comments
Pingback: