One morning recently I lay in bed, not wanting to get up because then I would have to face so many responsibilities. I felt a tightness in my chest and an emptiness in my gut, which is how I feel if I don’t have enough time to myself. I was so worn out, I felt like giving up. But I knew that wasn’t a good idea, so I prayed a bit and meditated, but that didn’t do it, and I knew my mom needed me, so I got up and gave my mom her medicine, made her breakfast, did the other things I do in the mornings. I tried to be kind and gentle about it, but it was hard.
I needed some help. I often feel better by doing things like writing, walking, working in the garden, praying, singing, meditating, talking with friends, going to a meeting, playing the piano.
I tried some of those things, and the tightness didn’t go away. I felt so sad, and on top of the sadness was anger and frustration. Not good. I could easily fall back into my pattern of using anger to push people away, and I didn’t want to do that, so I talked with my husband. And I cried. A lot. And that helped. Then, for the first time in maybe a year, I went to Forest Park. I used to go to Forest Park and walk under the trees two or three times a week, and I haven’t gone because it costs so much to drive there, and the dog we have now doesn’t get along with the other dogs that are run through the park. So my husband agreed to walk to dog and watch my mom, and I splurged and drove to Forest Park.
The joy of being under the trees brought tears to my eyes. I felt the touch of God settle into my heart and my bones and set me free. By the time I got home, I felt better. I felt free, happy, and had patience again.
Even when I think I can’t make it, I know that if I just keep on keeping on, I will find a way out. If I get up when I don’t want to; if I’m honest and open and reach out; if I trust that things will get better, they will. Yeah, things get worse again, too. It’s not better all the time. Nor is it always worse. Keep going, and things will change.
Jojo sings about that in her song, “Keep On Keepin’ On.” She’s talking about what it’s like to grow up having nothing bu water to put on your cereal and nothing but second-hand clothes. She expresses the longing of children to be as good as their friends, at a time when goodness is measured by what you own. “Young girl sittin’ on the steps of a duplex/ Why did God choose to make my life so complex?” Jojo sings. But she “can almost guarantee it’ll get better soon./ You got to keep on keepin’ on./ You got to hold your head up high./ Gotta work with what you’ve got/ And someday you will fly.”
Curtis Mayfield sings a song with that name, too. He’s talking about how important it is to keep on with the struggle, to keep trying to make the world a better place. “Many think we have blown it/ but they too will soon admit/ that there’s still a lot of love among us/ and there’s still a lot of faith, warmth, and trust/ when we keep on keeping on.” Mayfield sings about hope, promising life will get better. “Today it’s sorrow; look like joy tomorrow.” So don’t give up.
Mayfield’s lyrics remind me of the saying, “Don’t quit five minutes before the miracle happens.” Don’t give up. Keep on keeping on.
What do you do when you feel like you just can’t keep going? What helps you “keep on keepin’ on”?
Blessings,
Barbara
February 2013
