Shame, Shamelessness, and Narcissism Shame sometimes looks like its opposite. When our shame becomes unbearable, it twists into an intractable shamelessness. Then we can hurt others without remorse. Unless something stokes our pride or satisfies our lust, it means nothing to us. When we are shameless, no consequence society can enforce will affect us. No matter how ferocious or ingenious, punishments cannot squeeze remorse from an indifferent heart. Catcalls, beatings, imprisonment, banishment might sting, but only those who entertain the possibility that they have done wrong will be moved to change. The shameless feel offended by chastisement. They see themselves as victims. Thus, they defend themselves from condemnation by condemning…
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Shame and Self-Forgiveness
Toxic Shame I met with her many times. Being chronically ill, she ended up in the hospital often. Regardless of what we started talking about – her health, her grandchildren, her attempts to find a place where she could be at home – we always ended up talking about shame. For most of her life, people who claimed to loved her behaved as if they hated her. They told her she was stupid, ugly, worthless, and hopeless. They beat her, they sabotaged her efforts to achieve, they denied her the right of personhood. According to them, she couldn’t do anything right. Certainly she couldn’t “be” right. Her burden of shame…
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Honor, Pearl Harbor, and 9/11
Remembering Pearl Harbor Seventy-eight years ago, on December 7, Japan bombed Pearl Harbor. The strike destroyed ships, damaged airfields, and killed over 2,400 people. One thousand more were wounded. Called by President Roosevelt “a date which will live in infamy,” December 7, 1941 changed the course of history, bringing the United States into World War II. [1] Those who lived through it thought it would live in our memories forever. But time moves on. For most people alive today, Pearl Harbor is a blip in a history book or online article. Being closer to us in time, 9/11 feeds more anguish and anger in our country today than does the…
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Shame, Shamelessness, and the Power of Love
The Evil of Shame The inquisitive engineer in our group asked, “Are love and shame opposites?” After a few moments of discussion, we tabled the topic until now. So here we are again, wondering how love and shame might be connected, or not. As I researched and reflected on this topic, I came to the conclusion that shame isn’t the opposite of love; shamelessness is. To understand shamelessness, however, we must first understand shame. Shame is that gut-wrenching experience of being found out, of having our nakedness – whether figurative or literal – revealed. Yes, we can feel shame in private, and we certainly can experience a fear of being…
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Letting Go of Envy
Envy Versus Jealousy Most of the authors I’ve read who write about envy start by explaining the difference between it and jealousy. In Emma Varvaloucas’ introduction to the topic in Tricycle magazine, for instance, we read that jealousy arises out of the fear of losing something we have. Envy is fueled by desire and longing, a wish to have something that is not ours. [1] When I think of envy, though, I think of more than that flicker of desire that arises when a friend receives some award I wish I could have or lives a life I want to enjoy. This is a fleeting emotion, one that passes as…
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Valuable, Not Special
To Seek Healing The woman lay unresponsive in the hospital bed. Tubes and wires connected her to machines that kept her alive. Standing at her side, her husband stroked her hand. She didn’t flinch, stir, blink. No movement at all. The man asked me to pray that his wife be healed. After all, Jesus raised up Lazarus after he had been dead four days. Surely he could cure this woman who was so beloved. So I prayed for healing, believing as I do that healing means many things. Our hearts need restoration; our spirits get wounded and need to be soothed. These are worth praying for. Rarely, though, have I…
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Holding Ourselves Accountable and the Importance of Feelings
Managing Our Feelings The details are fuzzy. I think we were at some kind of party, maybe a birthday for one of my son’s friends. We mothers were hanging out with the kids, chatting, watching them play. Near me stood a woman I didn’t know well. Her boy was perhaps seven years old. I have no memory of what the child did or said. Probably, I hadn’t noticed. Whatever it was, it triggered in his mother an impressive outrage. Grabbing her son by the arm, she turned to me and said, “We have to leave. He’s upset me so much, I’m just too angry to enjoy myself any longer.” Her…
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On Being Good Enough
A Ugandan Tale Retold by Sophia Lyon Fahs Once upon a time, there lived a boy named Kumba who did not know he was good enough. [1] He was small and couldn’t keep up with the other boys. They beat him in games and teased him. Feeling humiliated and frightened, Kumba took to playing by himself. This only made things worse, though, because he was still afraid, and now he was also lonely. It got so he didn’t dare try to do anything because he feared people would laugh at him. He couldn’t bring himself to try shaping clay vases and bowls like his father, because he knew his pottery…
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Shame, Mass Murder, and Healing
Reeling from Another Mass Murder Again, sorrow grips our country as another gunman kills and wounds. His senseless violence leads to terror, deaths, broken bodies, broken hearts. This kind of aggression has existed from the time when Homo Sapiens and Neanderthal co-existed, and then didn’t, because our species drove to extinction a people so like us. Now we seem to be trying to extinguish one another. Have there not been enough shootings? No place is safe, anymore: not schools, shopping malls, churches, bars, or outdoor concerts. We are so violent, and so vulnerable. How do we make sense of our rage and pain? Why Do We Kill? Tonight the moon…
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Self-Acceptance, Shame, Samson, and Grace
The Importance of Self-Acceptance Today we will discuss look at the importance of self-acceptance, for us as individuals and as a society. By self-acceptance, I mean not just that we like and are comfortable with ourselves, but that the self we accept be as close as possible to who we really are. Until we understand our true nature, we cannot be healthy, generous, or free. We cannot love or respect what we do not understand. Understanding ourselves has benefits beyond our own satisfaction, however, When we see and accept our own true self, we learn also to see, accept, love, and respect others. Thus self-acceptance is important for our communities.…