Enough Is Enough This week, we are exploring what it means to let go. When I envisioned this column, I thought I would write about what happens when we cling to ideas, people, objects, and resentments the way we cling to addictions. I thought I would share some stories from my work as a chaplain that showed the tragedy of letting go, and the gifts. Then George Floyd was killed and protests erupted around the country. I thought about what it means to be white in America, how we are not directly affected by the abuse, murder, slavery, incarceration, and other traumas that have beset black Americans for hundreds of…
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Shame and Self-Forgiveness
Toxic Shame I met with her many times. Being chronically ill, she ended up in the hospital often. Regardless of what we started talking about – her health, her grandchildren, her attempts to find a place where she could be at home – we always ended up talking about shame. For most of her life, people who claimed to loved her behaved as if they hated her. They told her she was stupid, ugly, worthless, and hopeless. They beat her, they sabotaged her efforts to achieve, they denied her the right of personhood. According to them, she couldn’t do anything right. Certainly she couldn’t “be” right. Her burden of shame…
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The Mutuality of Friendship
Friends Care There are many ways to understand friendship, but one thing everyone agrees on is that friends care about one another. In some circles, this looks like going to parties or movies together. It might mean we help each other when times are hard. For some, friendship is about gossip or encouragement. Some friends garden, sew, or cook together. Others exercise together. Some hang out, drinking coffee and talking. Regardless of what they do, friends enjoy spending time together, they support you when you’re down, and they try not to betray you because they don’t want to see you hurt. All this is a way of caring. Professionals Care…
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Eve and the First Death
Mother’s Day and the Loss of a Child It is Mother’s Day. Even if the holiday was, as some claim, invented to increase the revenue of greeting card companies, it’s nice to have motherhood recognized. For my part, I am grateful to be a mother. I’m especially grateful that my children are, as of this moment, both still alive. Recently, I witnessed the deaths of two young adults. I had the honor of sitting with their mothers, sharing in a portion of their grief. At such moments, I don’t have any comfort to offer, though I did try to open space for the women to talk. Occasionally, I asked questions…
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J.B. and the Triumph of Love
Job’s Story You may know the story of Job. A pious citizen, he had been blessed by God with wealth, a large family, a lovely home, and many animals. One day, when Satan came with the other heavenly beings to God’s court, God boasted of his “servant” Job. Satan responded that anyone would be as faithful as Job if they’d been so blessed. “But stretch out your hand now, and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face” (Job 1:11). So, in a move that seems more human than divine, God gave Satan permission to take from Job all that he had. And Satan did.…
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Healing from Trauma
The Trauma of Coronavirus We live in a time of worldwide trauma. Not that this is new. After all, for as long as we have written down our histories, and perhaps before that, when all we had was an oral tradition filled with myths and violent gods, we humans have violated and terrorized one another. The coronavirus has merely made this more visible, at least to those of us whose lives are simple and orderly and safe. Now we are all in danger. An invisible virus is sickening and killing us. Our economies are falling apart. Stuck at home, lonely, bored, our tempers frayed, it seems our lives are unraveling.…
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Earth Day, Global Warming, and Love
The Answer Is Love Love is the answer. No matter the problem, the answer is love. I believe that. I really do. But today we’re talking about Earth Day and its theme for this year, climate change. What does love have to do with that? How can love help? Not everyone thinks it will. In July, I wrote about the Dirtbag Left, angry lefties who enjoy calling names and throwing hateful gibes into the virtual world as much as do reactionary Republicans. In his article about the digital nature of the presidential election, Kevin Roose quotes Mark Provost, a manager with the Other98%, as saying that Joe Biden could capitalize…
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The Resurrection and Universal Salvation
We Love a Resurrection We talk about resurrection because we can’t bear for crucifixion to be the end of the story. Imagine if the Christian scriptures closed with the image of a broken and beaten Jesus, gasping his last breath in a torment of pain? Who would want to read about that? Even the minimalist gospel of Mark shows us the empty tomb. Of course, Jesus didn’t have a monopoly on suffering. Every day someone in the world dies in agony. Maybe they aren’t hanging on a piece of wood, their hands and feet thrust through with nails, but there are many kinds of torture. Some people suffer for years…
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Maundy Thursday, Love, and Coronavirus
Lent and Coronavirus For many of us, the coronavirus now consumes our thoughts, our dreams, our livelihoods, and even our bodies. People feel betrayed or abandoned. Though there are pockets of the world the virus hasn’t touched, chaos is widespread. While some of us are working round the clock to supply overwhelmed medical systems, and others are struggling to keep grocery stores supplied and stocked, and still others are caring for the sick and vulnerable, millions of us have lost jobs or businesses. Our gig economy has shattered. We are forced inside, left with little but our electronic communities, and those without internet connections don’t have even that. Ironically, it…
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Trusting in the Process
Losing to Win Sometimes you’ve got to lose before you win. At least, that seems to be Sam Hinkie’s belief. Between 2013 and 2016, he was the manager of the 76ers, a basketball team from Philadelphia. During that time, he came up with the phrase “trust the process” to encourage patience in those who doubted his strategy. In an article about Hinkie, Jason Wolf quoted him as saying you have to “start with an end in mind.” [1] That’s what he was doing with the 76ers. During their yearly draft, the National Basketball Association rewards losing teams with first choice from among the incoming college recruits. To exploit that tradition,…