Making Pain Worse Her pain was excruciating. She’d had two surgeries in as many days, and the stabbing, stinging ache she felt was worse, she said, than childbirth. She was scared, too. Not only could she barely move her legs, but she had a fever. She worried something terrible was wrong with her, but the staff dismissed her complaints. To make things worse, her doctor was already trying to wean her off the pain medication, as if she were a drug addict. She felt desperate, abandoned, and judged. Old traumas surfaced. Although she would “never” do anything to hurt herself, she prayed for God to take her. She wanted to…
-
-
The Power of Love Versus Hate
The Air You Breathe When you grow up feeling loved, you don’t notice it. At least not at first. After a while, you begin to understand your home is different from the homes of your friends. You realize that other mothers, for instance, don’t call their girls “dear darling daughter,” that sometimes they call them cruel names you never heard before, and they chastise them in front of you and invade their privacy, breeding shame and insecurity. As you come to understand this, you feel shocked. You start to be grateful that, though the polite stillness in your own home sometimes drives you crazy, and though you sometimes feel lonely…
-
The What and the Why of Love
Why Love? “What is love for?” That was the first question. It was a Sunday afternoon at the Recovery Church meeting. As is typical, we had strayed from our original topic. A phrase in the reading, a chance comment, had struck one or the other of us, and the question was asked: “What is love for?” After a pause, one of us said, “To make life tolerable.” That reminded me of what the fantasy writer, Lloyd Alexander wrote about art. “We have always needed good art to sustain us, to strengthen us, even to console us for being born human.” [1] Love does this, too. Yet love does more than…
-
Luke, Transformation, and Preparation
Preparing for New Life Her initial preparation took years. At first, she didn’t realize she was preparing for anything. All she noticed was a niggling dissatisfaction. Over time, however, that discomfort grew, forcing her into a deep introspection, invisible to those who pressed against her in the packed train during each evening’s commute, or sat beside her at meetings as they discussed the sins of poverty, or ate lunch with her, danced with her, smoked pot with her. While those around her continued their mindless distractions, she searched within her heart and spirit with a merciless resolve. In the end, she concluded there were better ways to build a life…
-
The Journey of Empowerment
Freedom and Power Last week, I wrote about the freedom of acceptance, that which comes with surrender, forgiveness, death. No matter our circumstances, we can become a bit more free by letting go. Other kinds of freedom are connected with power. For instance, some of us have the freedom to make decisions about our own lives. Others of us have lived with freedom long enough that we recognize our emotions and feel comfortable expressing them. If we feel sad or angry, we can say so. Along with these freedoms are some that only people with external power have the luxury of exercising, such as the ability to disrupt and destroy…
-
Listening and Grace
Silence as Listening As a chaplain, I listen. This sounds easy, but listening is complex. To listen, we must be present, maintain our focus, and hold our heart open so we don’t get lost in judgment. Typically, it helps to insert comments, such as paraphrasing what you hear or asking for clarification. Yet sometimes, simply paying attention can make all the difference. The most extreme example of this kind of silent listening occurred when I met with a patient for an hour, saying nothing other than, “So what’s going on?” at the beginning, and “You’re welcome,” at the end. The man told me about his childhood, about a grievance with his…
-
Embracing Change
Our Dream of Paradise Idyllic worlds cannot sustain themselves. Though we long for them, and tell stories of Eden and of Heaven, no matter what myths we create, paradise is as impermanent as the wind. Ultimately, this is a good thing. In paradise there might be no struggle, or confusion, or pain, when we are perfect, we cannot change or grow. I suppose one perfect thing could transform into another perfect thing, but why? What drives us to evolve if not dissatisfaction and desire? That’s why Adam and Eve had to leave the garden. If they never experienced discomfort, they would have remained infantile forever. Like the story of Eden,…
-
Mother’s Day and Letting Go
Equanimity and Letting Go Many years ago, while working with a Buddhist spiritual director, I learned a lesson about letting go. Her son had committed suicide. When I saw her shortly afterwards, she appeared as calm and self-contained as ever. I asked how she managed to do that when her son had just died. She explained that he had struggled with depression and suicidal ideation for a long time. Sometimes, no matter what we do, people die from their diseases. It is part of life. Her main strategy for coping, however, was not so much to be philosophical about our existence, but to focus on living in the present moment.…
-
Moments of Clarity
Our Moments of Clarity The phrase moment of clarity is common in twelve-step circles. Such a moment is when we clearly see the wreckage of our lives, and we make a decision to get clean and sober. Over the years, I’ve heard a number of moment of clarity stories. One evening, for instance, when a woman was drunk, she noticed her child looking at her with sadness, disbelief, even disgust. Suddenly she realized she wasn’t just hurting herself, she was also hurting this incredibly precious human being. Steeped in shame and humiliation, she resolved she would change. In the private space of her own heart and to whatever god she…
-
Life Out of Death
The Cycle of Life In the children’s book, Fletcher and the Falling Leaves, Julie Rawlinson tells the story of Fletcher, a young fox living through his first autumn. When the leaves of his favorite tree start to lose their green sheen, Fletcher thinks the tree is sick and tries watering and feeding it. Still the leaves wither and turn brown. When they drop, Fletcher tries to reattach them to their stems. Nothing works. Finally, all the branches are bare. Despondently, Fletcher goes home. At his young age, he doesn’t understand the cycle of life and death and life. All he can see is that his beloved tree is dying, and he…