When We Disagree In trauma circles, they say, “Don’t ask, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ Ask, ‘What happened to you.’” In other words, all those people who seem crazy and wrong—the addict, the mentally ill, the homeless, the timid, the broken-hearted, the person imprisoned by cell walls or greed or an unacknowledged emptiness of heart—are not crazy or wrong. They are wounded. But what if that person is Republican, or Democrat, or Libertarian, or Socialist? What if he worships a different god than we do, or no god at all? Do we dismiss him as deluded, ignorant, or even evil? Does it make sense to wonder what happened to make her…
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The Demon Outside Us
The Learned Man and His Shadow Hans Christian Anderson tells the story of “learned man” who moved from a cold country to a hot one, where he became listless, shrunken from the heat. It seemed his shadow also contracted, becoming smaller than it was in that stark, cold land where they’d come from. In the evening, though, as the sun went down, and the air cooled, and the lanterns were lit, the shadow spread onto the walls, coming to life again. On these evenings, from a home across the courtyard, the learned man could hear music. He never saw anyone there. Flowers grew, radiant and riotous, so he knew someone…
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That No One Have Holes
No Holes The old woman in Catherynne M. Valente’s novel, Deathless, has no name, yet she still suffers. Her soldier son, Vitaliy, died when a bullet pierced him through. Even so, when Ivan Tsarevich wanders by, a stranger to the woman as she is a stranger to him, she invites him into her home. She shows him the food on the plates and tells him to eat. He should eat, he should get fat, he should live. “Be alive,” she tells him. She says this because she knows about holes. Her son died because of the hole inside him, and she, too, has a hole “like a bullet” in her…
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Listening to Ourselves
Starting Where We Are At the Universalist Recovery Church, we’ve been exploring different aspects of listening. For instance, when we listen deeply to one another, we provide each other a gift. We see, and we are seen; hear and are heard. That, by itself, can be healing. Listening to ourselves can be just as healing. But many people find it easier to listen to the stories, fears, and hopes of others than to pay attention to their own. When we hear what’s going on inside us, we can feel embarrassed or afraid. How, then, do we listen to ourselves without flinching? Where do we begin? According to the Buddhist teacher,…
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Witnessing as a Sacred Act of Love
The Healing Power of Witnessing The world has always needed healing. Even in idyllic communities, violence can disturb the peace, and it’s possible war dates back to the time when Homo Sapiens lived among the Neanderthals. We aren’t certain what wiped out those neighbors of ours. Today, though, things seem desperate. We continue to pollute the land, burn fossil fuels, and hunt animals to extinction. Hatred and intolerance are rampant. Around the world, totalitarian regimes are gaining traction. Politicians and police are abusing their power. Black and brown people are killed simply because they exist. And we can’t even agree to wear masks to keep our neighbors safe. It’s as…
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Humility and Walking in Another’s Shoes
Walking in Each Other’s Shoes Early in my chaplaincy, when I worked on a detox unit where residents shared rooms, I helped a young, white man wrestle with his racism. Having been housed with a black man, he felt a mixture of disgust, anxiety, guilt, and a burgeoning respect. He discovered it is easy to hate someone you don’t know. Up close, hatred is a little harder. Our stories teach us about who we are. They also reveal who others are, both the stories they tell and the ones we tell about them. If we’re open to hearing another person’s story, we may find we identify with him in ways…
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The Importance of Paying Attention
Coddling and Kindness Father Gregory Boyle, who welcomes hardened gang members into compassionate community through his nonprofit Homeboy Industries, has been accused of “coddling” these young men and women. Detractors say this as if coddling were a terrible thing, perhaps as bad as throttling them. On “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood,” Fred Rogers used to gaze kindly into the eye of the camera to make his television listeners feel that he was talking directly to them. Then, he’d say, “You’ve made this day a special day, by just your being you.” For this, he has been blamed for creating a generation of selfish brats who think they deserve to rewarded for doing…
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The Chaos of Our Time, Listening, and Forgiveness
Chaos and the Naivete of Forgiveness Given the chaos breaking out across our nation and in the world, the rise of a hateful nationalism, and the brutal attacks on human decency and human lives that have been encouraged by our own president, it seems naive to write about listening and forgiveness. In less than a month there have been two major mass shootings; Christine Blasey Ford continues to receive death threats; our president has named Matthew Whitaker, a critic of the Mueller investigation, as “acting” Attorney General; and as he has always done, he undermines our democracy and foments crises that almost seem designed to divert our attention from important matters such as…
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The Journey of Empowerment
Freedom and Power Last week, I wrote about the freedom of acceptance, that which comes with surrender, forgiveness, death. No matter our circumstances, we can become a bit more free by letting go. Other kinds of freedom are connected with power. For instance, some of us have the freedom to make decisions about our own lives. Others of us have lived with freedom long enough that we recognize our emotions and feel comfortable expressing them. If we feel sad or angry, we can say so. Along with these freedoms are some that only people with external power have the luxury of exercising, such as the ability to disrupt and destroy…
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Listening and Grace
Silence as Listening As a chaplain, I listen. This sounds easy, but listening is complex. To listen, we must be present, maintain our focus, and hold our heart open so we don’t get lost in judgment. Typically, it helps to insert comments, such as paraphrasing what you hear or asking for clarification. Yet sometimes, simply paying attention can make all the difference. The most extreme example of this kind of silent listening occurred when I met with a patient for an hour, saying nothing other than, “So what’s going on?” at the beginning, and “You’re welcome,” at the end. The man told me about his childhood, about a grievance with his…